Monday, 25 November 2019

Me and My Bipolar Disorder

I have been diagnosed with Bipolar in 23 (I'm 24 years old now) and I've never been diagnosed with any mental illness condition until I've been in a depressive phase--the worst depression episode. Before that episodes, I was in "mania phase,"like my psychiatrist says--at least 4 until 6 months in a year (almost every year I remember), I can't explain why I feel so energetic, so exciting all the time. I just can do what I want. I can play all the fast songs in my piano. I can memorize so many ayahs from Quran in a day. I can feel so exciting to study all the night until 2 am. I feel like racing thoughts in my head so I used to like writing on my blog or my diary. I can spend so much money for unexplained reason. I just can't stay at home for a long time and I love to go outside and hang out with my friends... and one thing that I hate so much in this phase, I just feel so moody or I want to angry all the time.

But for the next 4-6 months in a year, I just can't explain why I become like I don't have any energy. I always struggle to get out of my bed in every morning. I often face the reality that I don't have any confidence or any courage to face the day. It's just feels like the "bad days". I have to encourage my self to meet other people outside my home. I don't like being outside of my home. I don't like being anywhere that crowded of people. I sudden have got memory loss. I loss my appetite until I just eat 1 times a day, I'm not interested in playing the piano except the saddest and slowly songs. I pull out my self from making friends, and the worst part is sometimes just crying for no reason, and about feeling like hopeless, useless, or "I don't fit anywhere" or "I want to die, I can't through this anymore."

I never go to a psychiatrist until I have a lot of suicidal thoughts. I think it's time for me to seeking help, I just can't "mask" my face all the time. I've ever got my MMPI result in my 1st year of clinical course and I always deny that results. I just can't face my self of having any mental ilness like bipolar because I feel like myself just like a normal person. After a lot of suicidal thoughts, I just go to a psychiatrist's house who I believe can help me. I never speak for a long time to my parents, even my husband and my best friends about I got a medication therapy in psychiatric. I just can't let them face the truth that their daughters are "not normal" or "different"--because my sister has bipolar disorder too.

Now I can address this issue because I'm just feeling like so many people around me or around the world maybe like me. Maybe you just can't deny that "this world is not fair" or "why other people is always happy and people like us not"... but seeking for help or got a medication is not a weakness, and I'm here to listen too, because I've been there.

1 comment:

  1. Seeking a help is a brave step. Thank you for writing this (:

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